Sea of depression

I haven't really begun painting the ocean in the canvas I've prepared--its just blocked in blue and black with walls of straight downward strokes for the walls of waves. Its not the ocean as it is, but as I feel it.

I don't know if this is the cause but I can't get my head above an overwhelming depression tonight. Its got so black I want to knock a hole in the wall opposite and let the real night into the room...anything to relieve the awful tension in here.
I 've taken an extra anti-depressant and switched off the music I had on in background.
Try to keep Busy!
Its irremediable stuff, like- all the ten and more years I've thrown away; the feeling of WASTE is choking.

I can't seem to get away from the cruelty either...those thoughts are just as bad as ever and harder to stifle. THAT's not going to change. So that's here, ahead and unavoidable too-knowing what's going on out there and thinking of all the desperate creatures I can't do a thing for.

I thought myself out of suicide a couple of years ago after the final attempt (stabbing) when I got the idea that it would completely waste my chances of getting to the next level, or whatever it is.
Its a comfortless formula tho--at least that would have diverted my focus.
This CAN'T go on or get any worse; and surely that capsule must be kicking in soon.